I said I wasn’t going to get into this, but oh my, when have I ever been able to keep my big mouth shut? Rarely, that’s when. More often lately, but . . . . oh well. Regret saying anything or not . . . . it will be out there if/when it’s approved by the moderators.
I’m going to copy my comment that I included as a response to A Case for Adoption Reform on the blog Anti-Adoption.
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I didn’t plan to join this discussion because I don’t know that I can be as articulate or understandable as Margie or Tina, but I’m telling you that it’s not that simple; it’s not that a+b=c. It’s just NOT.
I’m in my current job because I was demoted. You would think that would be a bad thing, but it turned out to be a blessing that I was demoted. A good thing, the best thing that could have happened to me. I am in the right job for me.
I may have gone through infertility and maybe my son came about because of that, but the truth for us is that we went through IF procedures because that was simpler for us than going through adoption procedures. We always had adoption in our hearts, whether people believe it or not. People will see it as second choice, but as I said in my blog yesterday, “Heck, we couldn’t have made a kid as awesome as Energy Boy with our genes, so we just thank our lucky stars.” The second thing that happens can be the biggest blessing in your life. In that way, just like I’m actually glad I was demoted, I’m glad fertility treatments didn’t work for us. I’m in a job that fits me. I have a kid who is so awesome that I can’t imagine life without him. How could things be better??
Yes, there is loss for him and his first mother and we respect that and deal with it. That’s all I’ll say about it here because that’s part of his story. But we honor his story and his feelings and his origins.
But second best? No way.
The thing is, I think I can say this until I’m blue in the face, and I won’t be believed. And that really saddens me because it’s true.
I’ve literally had a friend in the car when EB was a baby and she asked about the fertility treatments. I told her about them and the two miscarriages. She offered condolences. I said, “thank you,” then kind of shrugged, and said, “but then I wouldn’t have him,” and gestured to my boy in the back of the car. “It’s OK,” I said with a smile. I truly believe that too. It’s not that I celebrate having miscarriages, but I don’t carry them around with me anymore either.
Once we adopted EB, thoughts of having “our own” went by the wayside because our kid is so totally awesome.
That’s all I can say. Believe me or mock me — *shrug*, I can’t help how people react. But it’s all true.
My mother never thought adopting me after several miscarriages was “second best” either.( and that was almost 50 years ago!) My brother was also adopted – she did go on to have 2 children of her own which surprised her more than anything. My 3 brothers and I still like to hang out with each other.
Nat is your own – you are his mom.
Karen rightly said “Nat is your own – you are his mom”. God bless you.
I worked with many clients in the past who couldn’t conceive, and when they were given the news, after the initial shock wore off, they were actually relieved. They had always wanted to adopt, but their families expected them to have children first.
While this wasn’t the case for most infertile couples I’ve worked with, it was the case with many who had deeply held spiritual beliefs. I do think that for some adoptive parents, adoption is part of the bigger picture for them and their children.
It doesn’t matter that everyone won’t believe you. What you’re saying is still true. I read the comment by Lori on Anti-Adoption, too, and I was glad to see that it had been posted. I have also worked (to my dismay) with many who had that exact attitude. That type of prospective adoptive parent should not be able to adopt; what an insult to a child needing parents.
I wanted to adopt. Anyone who had met my sons and knew they needed a mom would have jumped at the chance, is how I see it. We are blessed even in our sorrows is another way to look at it.
Thank you for writing this. I haven’t been able to shake off the initial comment and some of the discussion that followed it. Even though I know that I’m not the original commenter and that is NOT how things are in our family, some of the words really stung.
I totally believe you because this is my reality as well. I couldn’t love our son, adopted at birth, more had I given birth to him myself. He is our world, not “second best”!
Judy, thank you thank you thank you for saying this so clearly! I wrote a long comment but realized it needed to stand alone, so here it is:
http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/2008/05/my-children-are-not-second-best.html
I don’t know any other way to say it than say it like you do here!!!
(((((((Hugs)))))))
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I think this goes back to the difference between adopters and adoptive parents. You, my darling, are an adoptive parent. You love that boy period. You show such respect for his other mom. You do everything in your power to support those of us that suffer. You are an amazing human being. If it matters … I believe you. nate was not nor will ever be your second choice.
I feel similarly to you Judy.
My life has taken unexpected turns, but they have brought me a life far more fantastic than the one I had anticipated. I am grateful every day.
You inspired me to write about this as well, to get it out there as even though I try to ignore the generalizations, sometimes it stings. I agree with every word you wrote here, and even if I didn’t they are your words to say.
And Nate and you and your Hubby are so blessed to have each other. I’ve said it before… in my family, I never imagined it (even when we were TTC) being this good. What a privilege it is to know my children, and their other families.
Oh Judy, I’ve been writing about this for the past few months. We have gone back to IF treatments for a second child. But I’m so thankful we didn’t get pregnant the first time around because we have our wonderful Jake. To be honest, the only reason we are trying for a child biologically is because it is easier both financially and emotionally than adoption. I have no need for biology or even pregnancy. But we do want a second child. I totally get you on this subject and I agree 1000%!
I appreciate you addressing this. I don’t have the words. I think some people may automatically think adoption means second best because they were made to feel like they were second best. In no way, shape or form are my children second best.
Don’t you just LOVE the fact that your comment (and mine, thank God we both cross-posted to our journals) no longer shows up on that original post?
So much for being honest and articulate with a group that obviously doesn’t want anyone’s opinions known/shown other than their own.
Judy, I have a story that is so much like yours. After years of infertility we too decided adoption would be our next plan. I could not get PG due to medical issues on both sides. However we still tried and went through over 10 years of infertility treatments until finally my doctor said it just wasn’t going to happen.
Of course there was the heartbreak of not being able to have a child of our own, but God always has a plan for our lives. When I finally accepted in my heart that I was never going to have a baby, it was then that I just gave it all to God. I put my faith in his hands in Nov. 1999. In Aug. of 2000, I was holding my beautiful baby boy. It took me 10 years – it took God less than one. (Ironically, my son was born in Nov. 1999)
What’s so amazing to me is the fact that I would go through the 10 years of being emotionally, physically, and financially drained all over again, just to have my son. Just like your Nate, he’s an awesome kid who was heaven sent!
I kinda shut down after reading that post….wow…um..I know that being infertile has got to be tough, I mean I’m in a forced infertility because I never plan to be pregnant. And I so totally understand the journey to adoption and the heart break and loss that gets you there…. but this statement…I just don’t get it.
“That’s right, birthmothers – your child would be a last resort for us, whether you like that or not. Your child is not the great prize you may think he is. What most of us want most is our own biological child!”
Wow….wow…I really can’t wrap my mind around adopted children being second best…I mean, I’m usually good at being empathetic, but in this case I just can’t find it…I can’t. MY CHILD IS NOT, NEVER WILL BE AND NEVER WAS SECOND BEST EVER!
Okay…sorry for screaming. But seriously what is so garsh darn hot! incredible! better….about our stupid gene pool….seriously…a child is a child and a person. Period. I don’t care if you are the most gorgeous healthy smart perfectly gened person on the planet….even gorgeous people have unattractive sickly kids…so seriously…WHAT??? Sorry I don’t think I’m ever gonna understand…..boo hoo me!
Our children are a blessing, no matter how they find their way to us…and I am so grateful every minute of every day for mine.
Thanks Judy for reminding me again, how blessed I am to have adopted my child.
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Judy, I get exactly what you are saying. My son isn’t second best. He is everything we could have hoped for. We never did any IF stuff, and we wont.
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