I have Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer. For new readers, I was first diagnosed in late Dec. 2007/early Jan. 2008. I went into remission in Dec. 2008, and found out I had a recurrence of the cancer in Nov. 2010. I’ve been back in once/week treatment since early Nov. 2010.
I’m also a mom. I have a nine year old THRIVING son who we adopted from Vietnam when he was four months old.
Is this what I would have chosen for us, me with cancer? No, of course not. But life can change on a dime, and when I received that diagnosis of Stage IV cancer, I was understandably devastated.
My son is a bright, imaginative, loving boy. Has he been affected by my cancer? Of course. Any child with a parent who’s ill in any way will be affected by it. Am I a worse mother because of it? No, not at all. In fact, in some ways I might be a better mother because I know how fragile life really is and I truly enjoy and cherish our times together. I try to make memories for him because the truth is that I really don’t know how long I’ll have on this earth.
But, you know what? None of us do. Nobody knows if a heart attack will come and steal his/her life, if cancer will be diagnosed, if a stroke will happen, if he/she will get in some fatal accident. Life itself is a terminal condition. It’s just that those of us with terminal conditions probably understand that more than most people.
I was and am outraged by Alaina Giordano’s story: she’s a woman who has had Stage IV breast cancer for 4 years. She and her husband filed for divorce in Aug. 2010, and he filed for sole custody. He won, partly because Alaina has Stage IV breast cancer and the judge, a woman, said that:
You know what? I don’t know when I’ll die, but that doesn’t make me a worse mother. My son isn’t suffering unduly from my cancer. It’s simply a part of our lives now, and if he’s learned anything from this, they are positive lessons. He’s learned that we need to reach out to others to get through this, for practical things (babysitting when I felt too sick to watch him, meals, people getting our groceries for us) and for emotional support. He’s learned that a strong faith in God and an amazing church family helps get us through this. He’s learned that we rely on others for practical and emotional support, whether those others are family members, friends, or church family.
Energy Boy and I are close, very close. He and Absent Minded Professor are close too. It breaks my heart to think that I might be taken from him before I’m ready, before he’s ready. But it would break my heart even more if he were, in essence, taken from me due to a custody battle while I was still living and could be a positive influence in his life, could raise him into the man he can be. You know what would be worse, though? How it would affect him.
Now, as an adoptee, Energy Boy would probably be affected a bit more than biological children would be, but any child would be affected by being taken away from a loving, caring mother. Alaina Giordano was not ruled an unfit mother; she’s simply a mother who happens to have Stage IV breast cancer, something that I’m sure she wouldn’t have chosen for herself.
But it happened to her. It happened to me. It could happen to anyone; nobody is immune from life’s tragedies, illnesses, difficulties. NO ONE.
Alaina is writing about her situation in a blog titled Beauty in Truth. Read it. Support her. Sign the petition that she should have custody of her children. Like the Facebook page, Alaina Giordano Should Not Lose Her Kids Because She Has Breast Cancer.
You wouldn’t want that happening to you, would you? Alaina needs our support. Please help.
For Alaina, but also for her children.
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Cross-posted to Mothers With Cancer.
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I love your perspective re: life being a terminal condition for all of us Judy, and thanks so much for sharing Alaina’s story. It truly breaks my heart. More people need to be aware of the ignorance behind this ruling.
Thank you. Adding your link and a quote in now, btw.
I, too, could not believe that decision. When I heard that news story — from Durham, NC, no less — I thought of you and all the moms on the Mothers with Cancer site. Sigh. What is this world coming to?
It breaks my heart that a mother would lose custody of her child because she has cancer. I can’t imagine how the child must feel to not be able to be with a parent whom they love so much.
Oh ((((Judy))))
You are so right.
This broke my heart when I heard the news, because I just cannot understand why someone would do that.
Hi Mom, we are thinking about you and what you are going through. We hate cancer here, my daughter Emily who is 3 was diagnosed with cancer — neuroblastoma on 12/23/2010. We are still having a horrible time.
Thinking of you!
Love, Shannon, Emily’s mommy
http://www.emilyhubbel.com
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/emilys
http://www.facebook.com/emilysjourney
http://www.facebook.com/fundsforemilyhubbel
I despair of some people sometimes. Truly unbelievable. Un.be.lieve.ab.le.
WOW! Your insight is awesome and encouraging! thank you for sharing! Praying for you!
Unfortunately, Ms Giordano has grossly distorted the judge’s order. The fact of the matter is the judge did not rule to take the children away. Here are some actual excerpts from the ruling:
83. Defendant has not made efforts to keep the children actively involved in the plaintiff’s life. The court finds that, of the two parents, defendant is least likely to encourage frequent and appropriate contact between the children and their father. The court notes that. A. Since the separation, the defendant has scheduled the children’s holidays in Pennsylvania preventing them from spending that time in Illinois with their father. E. During the course of her interviews with UNC, Defendant told UNC that she wanted the plaintiff to only have supervised visitation. F. Defendant testified th…at she did not want the Plaintiff to be in North Carolina because she felt it escalated the tension between her and the Plaintif.
87. The defendant is able bodied and capable of caring for the children and except for a few occasions has shown that there is no indication that she will be unable to do that in the near future. On the other hand, her schedule is compromised by all of her medical appointments so it is her position that she does not have the ability to obtain employment.
89. The defendant would move to Chicago area if she had to but her strong preference would be to stay in Durham where she has a significant support system.
108. The best living arrangement for the children would be for the parties to live in proximity to each other so the children can have ready, easy, and predictable access to both parents so that the children can reside with both parents in a shared physical custodial schedule, preferably a 2-2-5 schedule which permits both parents to spend time with the children during the school week and weekends.
109. Defendant has the ability to relocate to Chicago. It is impractical for Plaintif, the only wage earner in the family, to relocate to Durham or any other place that he doesn’t have full time, gainful employment.
115. Given the relatively low obstacles to a relocation by the defendant and given her willingness to relocate to the Chicago area if the children move there, and given that both parties have the present capacity to parent the children, this Court determines that it is the children’s best interest to move to live in Illinois with their father at this time.
Basically, the judge ruled on the following:
- it is in the best interest of the children to be in a shared custody arrangement.
- Ms. Giordano had expressed a reluctant willingness to move to Chicago.
- Since Ms Giordano does not want to work, Dad’s job was a paramount consideration.
The judge never ruled to take the children away from the mother. Ms Giordano’s actions of not encouraging the children’s relationship with the father was a much bigger issue in the judge’s decision than the cancer. Ms. Giordano’s one sided media blitz seems to confirm the judge’s assessment.
I wish people would give more balance to this story.